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Throughout my adulthood, I’ve strived to keep this number low to feel self-disciplined and in control, and if it were to become high, I’d feel like a failed woman.As an anorexia survivor, I can say there are a lot of similarities between how I’ve thought of my number of sexual partners and how I’ve thought of my weight.Because others didn’t take my explanation at face value, I felt like I was making no sense. While queer relationships certainly can involve casual hookups, they don’t necessarily have the same gendered expectations and power dynamics, although they are sometimes imitated and reified in those relationships.I discounted my own reasons and explained my decision in others’ language. And within the hookup culture that I’ve experienced, men, specifically, are supposed to be in the driver’s seat.Suzannah Weiss is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism and a New York-based writer whose work has appeared in The Washington Post, Salon, Seventeen, Buzzfeed, The Huffington Post, Bustle, and more.She holds degrees in Gender and Sexuality Studies, Modern Culture and Media, and Cognitive Neuroscience from Brown University. The best way I can describe it is that I wanted something more profound. Going home with someone at the end of the night is a gamble for anyone, especially women and other gender minorities, who are more likely to be sexually assaulted and constantly told to protect themselves from assault.

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But I deserve the chance to go through that process and get to know myself, not a flattened stereotype of women’s behavior.It makes sense to want to know what the averages are.(According to the experts at the Kinsey Institute, the average number of lifetime sexual partners for men aged 30 to 44 is around seven, while for women in that same age group, it’s four—both lower than you might think).There’s nobody I would talk to about sex who would judge me based on my number.But it powerfully shapes the way I think of myself. This is not the worst of it – just standard, society-wide sex-shaming.

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